Archive

February 2003

A Special Valentines day Message...

So, you say you're a man who doesn't know how to talk to women?  Certainly - you can do better than Yngwie J. Malmsteen, the creator of the most unnecessary musical genre ever - "Neo-Classical Guitar":

 This has become the stuff of legend, and maybe you've already heard it, but in case you're a complete idiot and were thinking of saying any of this stuff to your sweetie on Valentine's Day…

 YNGWIE MALMSTEEN Allegedly Threatens To Kill Passenger On Flight - Dec. 9, 2002

 YNGWIE MALMSTEEN allegedly threatened to kill a fellow passenger on a flight to Tokyo, Japan after the woman poured a glassful of water on the guitarist.

The passenger, who had no prior contact with Yngwie, allegedly overheard Malmsteen making derogatory comments about homosexuals and decided to show her disapproval by allegedly emptying the contents of her glass on the allegedly hefty axeman.

Allegedly A member of Yngwie's touring entourage, who was allegedly traveling with Malmsteen at the time, had a tape recorder running and managed to(allegedly) catch Yngwie's reaction on tape immediately after the guitarist was "assaulted" by the offended passenger.

To download an MP3 file allegedly containing Yngwie's response to the "water attack", including his now-legendary phrase "You've unleashed the fucking fury," click here (file size: 1.7 MB).

Yngwies fury..

(originally obtained from http://www.roadrun.com/blabbermouth.net/index.aspx ,giving credit where its due)

 Additionally - Bigger than a Breadbox's good pal, Ydavid J. Geisteen (that's the Nordic silent "y") has prepared his own special arrangement….it's destined to be a classic in and of itself.

Get it here... The Fury Remix
(This remix is a parody and is to be used only for a good laugh and not to
be sold.  Share the love, but please cite your sources.)

Also about  the over use of the word allegedly in the above story, after you hear the recording (allegedly of Yngwie)
You will understand he doesn't seem (allegedly ) to have a sense of humor so we are attempting to cover our asses we just hope he doesn't unleash the fucking fury on us.

Don't complain to us.   Well, okay, complain to us - but pass it on…..

P.S. Spell check wants to change Yngwies name to Yogi Milstein, Which when you think about it is a much better name.

If you were at the HEAD party in December then go look at pictures of yourself here.  Did you miss the HEAD party?  Then go see who your girlfriend went with.

For those of you who want to know what John is saying go to the Lyrics Page

 Tell us about your resolutions or your fantasies or your politics or how much you love Yngwie on our Forum Page.

If you still need a laugh check this out, It's Our fearless leaders speech to congress last month http://www.thesmokehammer.com/

Back to top

      Predictions for 2003:

z    Michael Jackson's face will finally collapse and he will have one genetically grown on the back of a water buffalo.  This will be constructed by the Clonaid Corp. from stem cells harvested from his children, which is why he had them in the first place.  The Raelians (who consider him their patron saint) will at first extol His glory and then crucify Him by dangling Him by the Armpits from the Top of the Eiffel Tower.

z    Democracy will be pushed to its limits when every person of age in the United States gets completely fed up with the electoral process and decides to run for the presidency.  Since so many are vying for campaign funds, people find the need to "hand-to-hand" campaign - forcing them to actually find talk with the people who live next door.  The media estate nears collapse by August because people have stopped watching TV and using the internet and start sitting in each other's living rooms.  No one wins the election in November because everyone votes for themselves.  But the economy is saved because ironically, people get so comfortable with each other that they agree that installing cameras in each other's homes would be more efficient.  Americans spend zillions on video equipment.  The "Good Neighbor Connectivity" Corporation becomes the new Microsoft and announces a merger with the remnants of Congress on December 22^nd,  coincidentally, the darkest day of the year.  Wall Street has its best Xmas season ever.

z    Bigger than a Breadbox's meteoric rise is deflated by the near-collapse of the media in August.  However they manage to gain notoriety due to their reality show "Lifestyles of the Talented and Homeless" (truly the first hit on the GNN (Good Neighbor Network).

Coming soon - "Resolutions for the New Year."

John has a problem with AT&T

November 4, 1997

Phylene Gibson

Personal Account Representative

AT&T

PO Box 720730

Atlanta GA 30358

Phylene:

To say that I am annoyed, would be to grossly understate my feelings right now. Frankly, society is fortunate that I do not own firearms or work in law enforcement.

I have come to accept the fact that having phone service means nightly harassment from telemarketers trying to sell me water purifiers, insurance, "free" vacations, and other unwanted "courtesy" calls. I understand that somehow, somewhere, somebody is selling my personal information or the information of somebody ELSE who had my phone number. This has put me in the running for the Guinness record as the person who says "No" the most times between the hours of 4 and 9pm daily.

Now, It’s bad enough that I have companies buying and selling my phone number without my explicit approval. I try not to give out my phone number unless I absolutely must.

I MUST GIVE MY PHONE NUMBER TO MY PHONE COMPANY. And do you know why? BECAUSE YOU HANDLE MY PHONE SERVICE FOR ME!!!! THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. I PAY YOU $80.00 TO $150.00 A MONTH FOR THIS; SO THAT I CAN MAKE PHONE CALLS; NOT SO YOU CAN CALL ME TO ASK ME FOR MORE MONEY!

Four months ago your company started calling to beg me to get your cellular service. I politely declined several times. After politely declining several times, I not-so-politely declined and begged to be removed from your telemarketing lists. Finally, I contacted my "Personal Account Representative" and instructed HER to see to it that I was removed from your lists. For three glorious months, AT&T did not call me. Peace, at last.

And NOW, two days ago you call to tell me that you are going to be my new "Personal Account Representative" and to tell me about your wonderful cellular offer. We had a conversation in which I made it perfectly clear ONCE AGAIN that I DO NOT WANT CELLULAR FROM AT&T OR ANYBODY.

Tonight I got a call from an AT&T telemarketer…..I don’t even have to tell you why. The Chinese water torture begins again.

Phlyene, I don’t want to hear anything about it "taking a few weeks for processing" and I don’t want to go through this every time your company launches a new campaign. To be honest, your "Personal Account Representative" or P.A.R. program appears to be a PR program. Lip service.

Well, in honor of your Personal Account Representative program, let me get personal:

I hate AT&T and I hate you. I would use stronger language but I want to keep this letter in an appropriate tone.

If sincerely doubt that obtaining an unlisted an unlisted number will solve my problem, after all, you ARE the phone company. However, if I end up doing this as last resort, then I will sue AT&T in small claims court to pay for it.

Frankly, I don’t know what else to do except not answer my phone. Is that stupid or what?

VERY sincerely,

John Vincent Freund          

Back to top

Johns Father (The Late Vincent J. Freund) received a letter from The New York State     Republicans just before the last election, They wanted his help in Fighting Hillary   Clinton, This is his deceased fathers reply.

August 2, 1999

Chairman William D. Powers

New York Republican State Committee

315 State Street

Albany, NY 12210

Dear Bill,

How have you been? I see that you made chairman, congratulations! Listen, there are a couple of things we need to discuss.

First, let me bring you up to date. I am dead. I have been dead since 1986. So before you go asking party members for cash, you should remove me and others like me (dead people) from your rolls. Basically, I think it’s a huge waste of money sending mail to dead people, since we usually don’t respond. And a small wonder, it is! You have no idea what I had to go through to get this letter sent to you. I had a hell of a time buying stamps since all my cash and assets are now under the control of my ungrateful heirs.

Secondly, in reference to your reference to the whole Hillary-with-a-carpetbag issue…WAKE UP! Wasn’t it the soon-to-be-late President Ronald Reagan (ask how I know) who declared the world a "Global Village"? It’s hard enough getting any qualified candidates to run for office (I mean, really, Dan Quayle? Pat Robertson?). I think our party should follow our rivals lead and take good candidates wherever we can find them.

Thirdly, why for chrissakes are you afraid of Hillary Clinton? If the democrats can’t find anybody within the state to fill the office, and Hillary is the best they can do, I say "Let her run!" Could it be because Rudy Guiliani is our worst nightmare as a candidate? He’s not exactly a party-liner, is he? Does the name Mario Cuomo ring a bell? Rudy’s such a New York sports fan that I’ll give you odds that he endorses Bill Bradley for president before the campaign is over.

Fourthly, could we just can it with this "BIG GOVERNMENT" crap? Especially in connection with this senate race. This one’s really gonna bite us on the ASS. Rudy’s tactics make it perfectly clear that he is most definitely NOT into "BIG GOVERNMENT". No, he would like government to be as small as possible. As a matter of fact, I think Rudy would be happy if the entire government was HIMSELF. And where will that leave the rest of us if all the lobbyists are only taking Rudy out to lunch?

Lastly, I was always a fiscal conservative, but the party really has to take a more progressive attitude. We should stop using the same old Republican cliches and buzzwords. And you know what? I disagree with you. I think Universal health care is a good idea. We’d have a lot more people in the party if they wouldn’t drop dead at 46, like I did.

See what you can do, and I’ll put a good word in for you when you get up here…IF you get up here.

Sincerely,

Vincent J. Freund, Jr.

Heaven

PS. How did I vote in the last three elections? I’m just curious.

 Back to top   

John recently wrote to the Elves at   Keebler about a cookie problem

January 18, 2000

Keebler Company

Consumer Affairs Division

One Hollow Tree Lane

Elmhurst, Il 60126

Dear Elves and elf-like people:

Ever since I was a little boy (I am no longer a little boy), I have been a fan of the cookies you now call "Classic Collection® Chocolate Fudge Crème-Filled Cookies" and "Classic Collection® French Vanilla Crème-Filled Cookies".

You took them off the shelves in the early part of this decade. I was most unhappy until you reissued them under the "Classic Collection" moniker. I buy one of each every two or three weeks. Because, quite frankly, they are my favorite cookies on the planet. The only other cookies I even come close to getting this excited about are homemade oatmeal-raisin cookies. I usually don’t buy any other cookies if I can’t get the "pinwheels".

Now, it seems that they are disappearing yet again. I can no longer get them at the Shop Rite or Grand Union in Palisades Park, New Jersey (07650). I have repeatedly asked both stores to stock them and they "yes" me to death, but no cookies appear on the shelves.

My manner may be light-hearted, but I am completely serious. I will be, um, pissed off if I find that they are out of production. Are they? Is there any place in my area where I can get them? What gives, here?

I’m not terribly trendy. I like what I like. And LOVE those pinwheel sandwich cookies.

Sincerely,

John Vincent Freund

PS. As an aside, I also used to get the Coconut Chocolate Chip Cookies, but I must tell you, the new ones do NOT measure up. They’re much less "coconutty". They used to get nice and soft when you dunked ‘em. Now they taste too much like the regular Chips Deluxe cookies.

Back to top